After analyzing hundreds of cell phone, drone, and GoPro videos from thousands of angles, the Department of Homeland Security concluded that additional visual evidence is required. "Most of the submitted footage does not meet evidentiary standards," said Senior Official James Flasco. "Specifically, the 98% of people who do not know how to rotate their devices into landscape mode. We're currently awaiting images from our orbiting satellites SkyEye, PeeperTron, and the Bald Spotter, which we expect will be inconclusive."
We interviewed 17 eyewitnesses at the scene, all of whom say they clearly documented the incident and that the government's insistence on following the rule of thirds doesn't change what happened. "I have a very stable hand," said one observer. "In film school, they called me the human tripod. I know exactly what I recorded."
When informed of these accounts, Flasco noted that the Department is reviewing the Visual Field Analysis for all witnesses. "We're prepared to invoke the Ocular Credibility Act to declare everyone legally blind if necessary," he said. "Going forward, we'll only accept footage from devices equipped with stabilization gyroscopes, X-rays, 125x optical zoom, and time stamped with location authentication active. Until this is acquired, all witnesses will be considered to have had their eyes closed."
Witnesses can't believe their eyes nor the eyes of officials