Faith-Based Asset Managers Call Meeting After Non-Believer Becomes Trillionaire

The Board of Directors for the Fellowship of Grace and Strategic Giving has convened an emergency session this weekend to address the unexpected devaluation of its spiritual assets. The disruption was triggered after an unauthorized secular wealth increase that has prompted prosperity believers to consider the validity of luck.

"The problem is that our first trillionaire (i.e., Elon Musk) identifies as a 'cultural Christian,'" said Pastor Miguel Grinnell. "This has introduced unprecedented volatility to our prosperity portfolio. Analysts are forecasting a massive shift of faith-based capital into secularly funded ventures."

According to Pastor Grinnell, a rise in cultural Christians - individuals who enjoy holidays but abstain from intentional tithing is causing investors to compare their ROI (Return on Investment) to people like Bill Gates and Warren Buffett, both of whom operate entirely in unblessed markets.

In response, the group has launched a reclamation campaign to establish a measurable spiritual presence in Musk's financial ecosystem through a new line of faith-backed vehicles. These pre-baptized Teslas, whose resale value is "spiritually indexed" to the company's future earnings will allow believers to gain indirect exposure to secular wealth without sacrificing their beliefs, according to Pastor Grinnell. "Tithing for a baptized Tesla is no longer purely secular," he explained. "This is what we call 'adjacent to providence.'"

Missionaries are also reportedly developing methods to extend baptism to Tesla's Optimus robots and SpaceX's Falcon 9 heat shields.

Pastor Grinnell baptizes the vehicle owned by some of his followers