HR Manager Craig Walker commented on the ongoing waves of layoffs at his company and rivals like Meta and Snapchat, which aim to reduce staff by 10-16% respectively. "Employers in today's markets are focused on building efficiency through lowering headcounts in order to deliver increased narrative-value," said Walker. "A 16% reduction equates to a higher key performance indicator and productivity bump than a 10% one."
After issuing 1,800 company-wide performance improvement plans (PIPs) targeting his "get it right the first time" approach, Walker was praised for a 32% increase in bug-free product deliverables on day one. "By cutting out the redundancies found in alpha and beta testing phases, and opting instead for immediate full releases, we are now fastest to market," he explained.
While upper management was initially skeptical that Walker issuing PIPs to all 1,800 company employees (including themselves) would work, the results are sound. "They have now asked that I prepare 576 severance packages equaling 32% of the workforce to leverage the 32% improvement gained in productivity," Walker stated. "The success of these performance reviews highlights past inefficiencies that need to be addressed."
Shortly after the announcement, Walker noted a new plan to send PIPs to all competitors, calling the initiative a Rival Impairment Protocol (RIP).
HR Manager who pioneered thirst trap job recruiting on Grindr and Tinder innovates PIPs