In a few years, oxygen bars may be more than a passing fad in the United States. The once popular 'air stations' that became a necessity in 1980's Japan amid petrochemical winds and smog, may soon make a comeback. After a recent meeting with O₂ lobbyists, Environmental Protection Agency head Lee Zeldin announced that he was deflating the value of human lungs to zero. This means that breathing would no longer be a consideration for environmental regulations. "My feelings show that, outside of the 12 people with carbon dioxide narcosis, Americans aren't wasting their breath talking about this. What people are interested in is a better economy," Zeldin said. "And we are going to give that to them. To start, the president and I will rename the EPA the Economic Profit Agency."
According to Zeldin, this change will boost the economy by removing regulatory controls on backyard smog thresholds, wheezing-frequency indexes, and acid-air limits. The rebrand will prioritize profits by allowing businesses to ignore costly expenditures that have been centered on callous people over profits policies.
The new rules are expected to be a boon for oxygen bar owners hoping to have more locations than Starbucks once the air becomes as thick as soup. "Based on our projections, we'll need oxygen bars every six to seven blocks" said owner Sam Goodwin. "Luckily for us, the deregulation of the electrolysis process to create high-quality breathable air will let us cut corners and costs by allowing more carbon in the mix."
When asked if this would concern customers expecting 90 to 95 percent oxygen purity, Sam had this to say. "With the introduction of engaging flavor mists like Raspberry Ozone, Wildfire Coffee, and Cherry Asphalt, our customers will see these as value-adds, unlike the carbon which they can't see because that is invisible. Except outside. Everyone sees that &$^#@."
After EPA removes health considerations, 1990s pay-per-breath spa kiosks are making a comeback.