President Outlaws Dry Holes

In a bold strike against the continued uncertainty of war in Iran, and the cost of diesel, President Trump signed an executive order on Tuesday to effectively criminalize dry holes. The revised standard aims to ensure that every hole drilled contains something. Residents of Midland, Texas, have already reported seeing oil wells pop up at businesses like the Museum of the Southwest, Health Centered Dentistry, Occasions Fine Jewelry and every gas station in town.

Not everyone is supports the move; local activists claim oil companies are extracting everything from teeth to oil paint, but according to investor Jason Chung of Shaft IB, this is what "drill, baby, drill" looks like. "It is unprecedented. Our investment in new wells at Love's Travel Stop on Cholla Road struck pre-refined unleaded gas in under five minutes. We think the return on investment is going to be astronomical once we sell it back to them."

In Phase II of the president's plan, every private backyard, cul-de-sac, and driveway with a willing homeowners association in every state will be drilled. "Regardless of whether we hit mud, kaolin clay, salt, gravel, groundwater, diamonds, lava, or even China, anything stuck in a drill is classified as a refined resource," said Chung.

Oil company strikes unleaded at drill site