In a bid to compete with AI pump-and-dumps, NFT airdrops, and crypto market memes, the New York Stock Exchange announced it will operate 24 hours a day. "Starting in late 2026, we will be open around the clock," said Jason Chung of Shaft IB. "Our track record working with Metaverse, Argo AI, Enron, and most recently the FIFA Peace Prize Advisory Committee signals to investors that we know how to cut deals."
"Our new structure is designed to attract people who have never invested by presenting stocks like fast food menu items," said Chung. To test their system, we ordered the McVidia from the premium menu and were immediately told by a financial planner that we could supersize it to a number 3 combo by adding Intel Crunch Bites. We also noticed a $5 penny stock menu that offers PotNetwork nuggets, Fart Lab fries, and a tangy Naked Brand sauce. "The drive-thru model is just the beginning," Chung explained. "We plan to scale by adding in person curb service with skating carhop girls and curb boys by Q1 2027."
Early beta testing revealed that 57% of after-midnight investors making high-risk trades show impaired judgment, addictive personalities and intoxication. We asked if this could be a problem for girls on skates and curb boys working the parking lot. "That's where Phase II kicks in," Chung added. "We plan on rolling out casino models to offer late-night stock slots with loyalty rewards, VIP perks, unlimited drinks and complimentary cabana nights to sleep it all off before starting their morning trades."
A customer orders from Wall Streets new happy meal at 2a.m.