In a competition the United States wasn't even invited to, it finished dead last for the New Year’s Pyrolympic Fireworks Games. This result was highly anticipated by practically every other country in the world. Ever since the U.S. rebranded as an “isolationist terrorist state,” this outcome was inevitable. Canada, who was first to be unfriended by America added that, "while most countries agree the U.S. was great for its Times Square ball drop thanks to some decent star power, her New York fireworks display is mediocre at best. And no one, I mean no one expects her to do any better hosting the FIFA World Cup.”
Meanwhile, a country that made a great showing for this year’s celebration was Abu Dhabi, tying for first place gold. Its 65,000 choreographed drones broke seven Guinness World Records in a display that could be seen from space. And who could forget co-champion Rio de Janeiro's Réveillon? Copacabana set the sky ablaze from Sugarloaf Mountain to Uruguay, all the way across the Río de la Plata estuary.
“And what did America do? Bring back the Goo Goo Dolls,” Canada sneered.
Also absent from the contest was Japan. While famous for his 926-pound yonshakudama firework, described as a backyard ball shell the size of a bus, Japan prefers a New Year's celebration focused on family and togetherness. A togetherness that Canada said the United States no longer knows anything about. “If there is a competition for cancelled FIFA tickets, America is sure to win that one. Nobody wants to visit the new Global South” Canada added.
As it turns out, America's former BFF may be onto something - after the breakup, Canada inherited all of their mutual friends.
The entire world celebrates a new year, while the U.S. tries to text 1776